I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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