Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
