I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
