She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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