I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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