I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The best revenge is premature balding
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
