First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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