i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize