I think I won the penis lottery.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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