It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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