I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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