I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
