It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
