Swine flu. Run for my life!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
