Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
