Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
