I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
