I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
