He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
