I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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