Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
