Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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