i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
