Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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