Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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