I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
