why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it was like eating out sand paper
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Someone came in the potted fern
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
