My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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