...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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