apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize