Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
