Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
