apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
