I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
