i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
