I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
