my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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