someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
