I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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