there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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