I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
