Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
