Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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