My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
