Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
