The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
