Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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