I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
