Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
