Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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