Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
