You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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