So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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