if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize