His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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