dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize