oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Too much gin, very little bucket
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
