I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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