Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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