I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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