i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Holy sore nipples Batman
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
